Because.
Many ask the question, why? Why do I stay and what keeps me coming back? I ask myself this often and it is a complex explanation that I offer. I can leave whenever I wish and I have done so many times before. Yet. I always return. I return to the madness, the arguments, and the disillusion. I return knowing that he has genuinely missed my company and that he cares if I stay or go. I return thinking I must be as mad as him, and here I am this very night wondering what pulls me to him. Strong pale fingers caress the smooth wood of the devil’s instrument and something happens in that moment when he takes up his bow that I cannot explain.

Put simply there is a blazing fire in his soul that I find lacking in mine; a presence that arrested me on the first night that we met. Put specifically, when he directs his anger and his self-destruction into his music there is nothing in the world that captivates me more. In that breath, he transcends everything wrong and encompasses beauty and strength like no other.

Why do I desire and love Nicolas de Lenfent? Because he is my inner beast, my poetry and the one thing that holds me fascinated and keeps me bound to this world. If you really knew him as I did, you’d understand completely.